Journaling — In the Moment: Re-evaluating My Circumstances

One thing I can say for certain is that working for yourself is so much more tedious than working for another. For some reason it appears to me that it is nothing for me to get my ass up to go to a job where I can make the next person richer, but yet, when it comes to me doing the same for myself it’s a struggle.

I’m not sure if it’s because I know the consequences of slacking off when it comes to jobs and slacking off when it comes to my endeavors are not the same. While a boss can fire me I can’t fire myself so there’s a false sense of security. But what security is there if my projects are not being completed in a timely fashion? I mean hell…unfinished projects = no income, right? Of course it does. So what’s holding me back?

Is it fear? Laziness? A lack of direction? I know it’s not due to a lack of confidence — or is it? I don’t know. It’s like I see myself doing it but when I begin I allow myself to become distracted. And I say “allow” I am aware when I’m moving away from the current task at hand and still engage in something else. It’s not like I don’t like what I’m creating, in fact, I love it. So much so last week I spent 25 hours straight working on it without realizing the time. Thereby, demonstrating to me I’m loving what I’m doing. So that’s not it.

Eureka I think I got it!

Sidebar…

Journaling in a book where my true inner thoughts, feelings and concerns are concealed from prying eyes makes for honesty so much easier. But it would not serve me in BEING authentic. And authentic is what I strive to be. Not because I believe doing so will deem me some kind of righteous but because my love language is “Acts of Service” (I’ll go into further details another date) but essentially it means demonstrating love through actions. And my not knowing your love language (there are 5 types) I can only demonstrate mine for you in my own dialect…so to speak. This means I must be honest.

With that being said…

…truth be told I am afraid. But of what? 🤔

Oohhhhh…it’s not fear. It’s discomfort. That’s what it is. I don’t want to offend anyone by my desire to be transparent. I’m conflicted. Conflicted between my authenticity and my sensitivity. 💥 BOOM 💥

I get it now. And you know what? I can’t care about them. Why? Because none of them are doing anything to change their situations. They complain about it and is unwilling to change it. They are the ones I cannot help. They don’t want it. At least not from me.

I don’t even care anymore. I really don’t.

Wow! I feel great! Yea…I’m happy!

I got this..

In fact, I’m inspired to write a blog. I’m in the mood to talk about the Overwhelming, Never Ending Love love of God. ❤️❤️❤️

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