Into My Feelings – Today I Surrender

photo1Here I sit prepared to bare it all (fears, concerns, uncertainty). Not only will I do that but also I’m going to do it MY way. I’m not in this for perfection (a thing I only knew of) but instead expression. Here I make my own rules and become proud at my unique style. A style that may be similar to others but will never be ‘just like’ someone else’s. From this moment on I will move out of my comfort zone and create from the essence of ME.

“Before I am able to heal I must first begin to feel”

Whoever coined “History repeats itself” weren’t kidding. Now my surprise doesn’t come from just hearing this but more from a realization that there’s levels to this shit!

I remember being in a predicament similar to this one. In 2015 I decided to share my story with the cyber world as a way of healing after being shredded to pieces inside and out. I can recall feeling embarrassed, afraid of being judged, transparent and most of all vulnerable. Which I later soon learned, I was worrying about nothing. In fact, it turned out better than I could have ever imagined. Yet, I find myself here today with concerns. However, these concerns are not quite like before. This moment I am feeling afraid but I’m not afraid of being judged but afraid because I do not know what is going to happen next. I am afraid because I do not want to suffer any type of discomfort of inconvenience, which these fears vibrate a sense of lack causing the universe to return to me the same.

I tell ya…this is a wicked cycle. A cycle that if you are not careful will drive your plum crazy.

 To understand how I’ve come to be one must first become informed where I came from. As I am confident of the outcome (one that is desirable by me) I choose to make today in these moments and moments hereafter an opportunity to document my inner strife’s and outward results as they arise.

“With discord follows clarity if one is willing to open the eye of inner knowledge and shuts those sees only through perception”.

 Here goes…

Since becoming involuntarily unemployed in June of 2016, I vowed never to work for another soul again. This was a decision I came to due to this being either the 5th or 6th time getting canned by the same employer who would always call me back. Being a mother of 2 and with financial responsibilities and habits I had to sustain, I always returned. Now looking back, I can clearly see how I remained stuck in that cycle for 7 years.  It always began when I was desperate for a job. I’d return with the lure of more money than I made before I got the boot or the one time I gave him the finger. Every time I would go back things would be great in the beginning. But slowly and surely, I would find myself in the same exact predicament I vowed I’d never enter again.  During office hours I feeling incompetent, disrespected, undervalued, unappreciated, and often livid. YES…livid! But not “livid” enough to never return. Why? Because he had a platform which provided me with a means to support and sustain myself and my family.

What’s ironic today is that I had not gone back (and yes he called offering me a salary 2x as much as previously), my living situation had not changed (still have shelter, food, light and gas) during nor since those times. I’m still in the same house, with the same bills with virtually the same vices. Nevertheless, none of the fears I feared previously unfolded or effected me in the matter which I imagined it would.

It was the revelation of the aforementioned did I come to truly value and understand the following:

  • Fear is LITERALLY all in my head

  • Fear is the only thing I can experience if I’m using my imagination to worry

  • Staying in the only moment available, the moment of now, is the only way I’m able to experience peace.

  • Just because I was conditioned to worry doesn’t mean I have to continue to do

  • God/Universe is consistent and never changing

  • I was not created for suffering nor to suffer…Suffering is a result of believing the stories in my head as truth. THOSE ARE LIES!!!

  • But most IMPORTANTLY as long as I am doing all that I can whenever I can for others, the Creator will do AAAAALLLLLLL that I cannot do for myself (to include my loved ones).

Now while the above all sound good it does not imply that it is something easily grasped or followed. I find myself struggling with the above from (after doing some serious soul searching) a lack of trust. I’ve come to realize that I find it a bit (okay…very) difficult to trust outside of myself beyond what I’ve already seen. I am afraid of experiencing disappointment, discomfort and worst yet…FAILURE.

What I find mind boggling is knowing I am aware of how the Laws of Attraction works and how I am attracting situations that are created to make me fearful.

I guess it can be said my exercise in faith has not been exercised long enough to be as strong as it needs to be for me to leave myself open for the blessings from the universe. The good news for me is that I already KNOW what that act looks like and even better the feelings experienced AFTER receiving the blessings I unimaginable due to my limited imagination could have fathomed!

I will continue to be courageous as I walk into the unknown fearlessly and FAITHFULLY!

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